365 Days, Day 334

Never fear shadows.

They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby (Ruth E. Renkel)

Mother and small son walking along a sun-splashed street; their shadows, hand in hand, dance swiftly at their feet. Her shadow straight and tall; his shadow small and round; they laugh at their likenesses traced there upon the ground. The summer suns pass quickly. They walk another day. Now, shadows move sedately down the familiar way. His shadow now the tall one, her shadow slight and bent, And as she walks she wonders where his little shadow went (Dorothy Oakley Rea)

When I found the second quote, I stopped looking for more. It expresses exactly where I feel I am at right now. My two boys have, on different sides of the world, within a month or so of each other, rented their first homes. They have both started new jobs in new cities. Besides the coincidences present in all of those new journeys, there is a sense of wonderment for me. I feel my age, and wonder with wistfulness where my boys’ little shadows have gone…

In my present mood, memories wash over me. And I feel a sadness for who and what I was then. A young eager mother, with my dreams and ideals ahead of me. So much potential. I spent it all on being the best mother I could be. Somewhere along the line though, “I” got left behind. Now I look at their long shadows and realise that my achievement at being a “good” mother is conceivably a pipe-dream. I have been deluding myself. Being a good mother is what you should do along the path of life, not let it be your only goal. I have missed out on so many work and skill-learning opportunities. Not getting life-experience.

So now that I am no longer a hands-on mother, just a backstage-waiting-in-the-wings-mom, and I want to go out to work, in job about which I can be passionate – it seems it is too late. I have no skills other than being a mother, and a teacher. And this is not specialised enough for a meaningful job…

Part of me, selfishly, feels sad that Kyle and Sarah are finally moving out of our home and into their own. Another part is glad that they are finding their own feet. The journey of the mom…

Enough wallowing in my own pool of sadness. Time to move on to the next adventure. Even if I have to create it myself…

365 Days, Day 333

Dance freely – discover yourself by surprise,

create a space to really move and be moved

(Darina Stoyanova)

It is only in the space that our thoughts and our feelings enclose that our happiness can breathe in freedom (Maurice Maeterlinck)

My Happy Space has a cup of special coffee (from South Africa), a Happy Hippo, a book, some sun or warmth, and a soft seat.

Another Happy Space is a warm bath, and a good book, and the delicious aroma of bath oil or a scented candle.

After an awful day at school I am thinking of Happy Spaces, and have noticed that they involve a book. I suppose this a form of escape. Which sound like a good idea right now.

Note:

Out to Happy Space. Will be back to normal tomorrow…

365 Days, Day 332

All experience is an arch where-through gleams that untravelled world (Lord Alfred Tennyson)

To know where you are, you have to leave and return. You have to travel the full trajectory of the arch, heading out farther and wider before bending back toward the place you started. And when you get there, it is no longer the same place, because you are no longer you (John Tallmadge)

I look back

Through the arch of each day

And give thanks for the each day’s lessons

Some are harder

To accept and learn from than others

Places to go

And places I have been

I am no longer the same person

I am growing in experience and wisdom

To be used at a later time…

Each lesson

Is a stepping stone

Into the greater picture

That lies beyond the arches

365 Days, Day 331

The joy of life consists in the exercise of one's energies, continual growth, constant change, the enjoyment of every new experience. To stop means simply to die. The eternal mistake of mankind is to set up an attainable ideal (Aleister Crowley)

The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance (Alan Watts)

I feel the winds of change blowing. I feel stronger, but resilient. I will go with the flow and not resist. I feel as though my roots have become pot-bound and I now need to be re-potted to allow my roots to expand. I have gathered enough breath to cope with the new.

My feelers are out: I have asked Jack to find out about doing volunteer work at the Citizens Advice Bureau; I have asked about becoming more involved at the Barn Theatre; I am applying for yet another job – but am posting this application rather than just emailing it; I am contemplating doing a further Reiki workshop.

I am dancing to my own tune: changing and expanding, breathing, moving out of the old and into the new. Are you coming with me?

[Today was Nonna’s birthday, so had a few quiet moments for fond memories]

365 Days, Day 330

What we experience on the Outside is a direct Reflection of what we are Inside (Unknown)

The world is a looking glass and gives back to every man the reflection of his own face. Frown at it, and it will look sourly upon; laugh at it and with it, and it is a jolly, kind companion (William Thackeray)

The world is your mirror and your mind is a magnet. What you perceive is in this world is largely a reflection of your own attitudes and beliefs. Life will give you what you attract with your thoughts think, act and talk negatively and your world will be negative. Think and act and talk with enthusiasm and you will attract positive results (Michael LeBeuf)

All is not as it seems. Our thoughts are so powerful –imbued as they are with potent energy. We can then, tailor our thoughts to change our worlds.

I am going to continue looking at the world with a smile and a song and a dance in my heart, even though, at times I feel disillusionment.

A new song will be sung and a new dance will be danced among the fountains.

[Lily is one year old today and to celebrate it, has been a bit of a nightmare! She has been vociferous and attention-seeking since early this morning… A reflection of what is to come?]

365 Days, Day 329

The quieter you become, the more you can hear (Baba Ram Dass)

Quietness with thoughtful reflection and relaxation can be empowering (Cynthia Wright)

Do not assume that he who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life may also have much sadness and difficulty that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, he would never have been able to find these words (Rainer Maria Rilke)

Sometimes I am very sensitive to noise.

Today has been very noisy. We took the train to Brighton on a fast train. We hadn’t done our homework, so didn’t realise that there was a festival of sorts on the go today in Brighton. There were crowds of noisy people. Whistles being blown by children on the sidewalk next to us was particularly jarring. There were loud noisy girls with piercing laughter walking by. There was music; a rather inebriated street-person was crooning rather cacophonously into a microphone one the pavement. The general noise of rabble was grating to my ears. Shrieking children at play outside our window at home combined with the droning of the (usually soothing) washing machine in its spinning cycle, as well as Lily’s frantic barking, all just gather together to jangle my aural sense.

I have found quotes about being quiet and a very quiet photo of a canal in Birmingham. I need to retreat. To quietness. To think. To hear the silence within.

365 Days, Day 328

The best ideas aren't hidden in shadowy recesses. They're right in front of us, hidden in plain sight. Innovation seldom depends on discovering obscure or subtle elements but in seeing the obvious with fresh eyes. This is easier said than done because nothing is as hard to see as what's right before our eyes. We overlook what we take for granted. Billions of tea drinkers observed the force of steam escaping from water boiling in a kettle before James Watt realized that this vapour could be converted into energy (Richard Farson)

Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas - only I don't exactly know what they are! (Lewis Carroll)

In Sheepcote Street in the middle of Birmingham is an unusual Chinese artefacts shop. I am not sure how to define it really. There are items of clothing; there is furniture, décor, jewellery, tea, chests, doors. It is a quiet unassuming little shop that one stumbles across by chance. Sarah discovered it on her meanderings before I arrived; she said I would love it. And I do. I bought a red jacket for myself and a packet of puerh and rose tea.

I was faintly disappointed in the presentation of my parcel – the jacket was neatly folded and placed in a sliver plastic bag, with my packet of tea. The name of shop is Curzon’s, the packet advertises this and the various commodities that the shop sells.

With my fresh eyes, I saw how the little shop could reinvent itself. My little parcel could have been presented with love and care and a twist of creativity: the jacket wrapped in white tissue paper, tied with red raffia and a little red label announcing the shop’s name and website, along with a bold logo. The name needs some work. The shop itself needs some marketing and branding. Its physical position is not advantageous, so some creative thought is required. Its merchandise needs to be rearranged so as to create more impact.

The shop is run and owned by a delightful couple: he is an engineer who has worked in Beijing for many years, she is an oriental teacher. By his admission, the business could do with more customers.

I have fresh eyes and new ideas.