Friday, May 13, 2011

365 Days, Day 334


Never fear shadows.

They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby (Ruth E. Renkel)

Mother and small son walking along a sun-splashed street; their shadows, hand in hand, dance swiftly at their feet. Her shadow straight and tall; his shadow small and round; they laugh at their likenesses traced there upon the ground. The summer suns pass quickly. They walk another day. Now, shadows move sedately down the familiar way. His shadow now the tall one, her shadow slight and bent, And as she walks she wonders where his little shadow went (Dorothy Oakley Rea)

When I found the second quote, I stopped looking for more. It expresses exactly where I feel I am at right now. My two boys have, on different sides of the world, within a month or so of each other, rented their first homes. They have both started new jobs in new cities. Besides the coincidences present in all of those new journeys, there is a sense of wonderment for me. I feel my age, and wonder with wistfulness where my boys’ little shadows have gone…

In my present mood, memories wash over me. And I feel a sadness for who and what I was then. A young eager mother, with my dreams and ideals ahead of me. So much potential. I spent it all on being the best mother I could be. Somewhere along the line though, “I” got left behind. Now I look at their long shadows and realise that my achievement at being a “good” mother is conceivably a pipe-dream. I have been deluding myself. Being a good mother is what you should do along the path of life, not let it be your only goal. I have missed out on so many work and skill-learning opportunities. Not getting life-experience.

So now that I am no longer a hands-on mother, just a backstage-waiting-in-the-wings-mom, and I want to go out to work, in job about which I can be passionate – it seems it is too late. I have no skills other than being a mother, and a teacher. And this is not specialised enough for a meaningful job…

Part of me, selfishly, feels sad that Kyle and Sarah are finally moving out of our home and into their own. Another part is glad that they are finding their own feet. The journey of the mom…

Enough wallowing in my own pool of sadness. Time to move on to the next adventure. Even if I have to create it myself…

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